One of my biggest fears is knowing when to let go, I don’t want to go out kicking and screaming, gasping for my last breath , I want to be accepting and at peace, ideally having spent the evening dancing with those I love having a glass or two of really good red wine😆. Those who really know me will tell you, letting go isn’t something that comes easily to me. I have a tendency to hold on to stuff, although I’m much better since diagnosis. I finally recognise that some things really don’t matter and stressing over them is a complete waste of time and energy. I have fought hard to keep myself going, changing my diet and lifestyle, trying alternative treatments, I guess I was hoping for a miracle, hoping to be that rare patient who defies the odds and beats this bastard.
Knowing the damage long term chemo does to an already seriously compromised immune system, it will eventually destroy my bone marrow, I’ve spent 6 years doing everything I could to avoid it. I do acknowledge however had I not had oral chemo in 2015 when cancer hit my liver, I may not be here writing this. Right now chemo is my only conventional option as my cancer has progressed in my bones and to my left lung and liver. The further I get into this thing, the more treatment I have, the more I realise I’m unlikely to get out of this alive, I probably won’t get my miracle.
This might sound like a defeatist attitude, I haven’t given up hope yet, but I like to be prepared and I don’t want to waste all the good days that I please god still have left, fighting a battle that I can never win, and this bastard really wears you down.😣
Knowing the control freak that I am and maybe this might change but I doubt it, I know I won’t rest easy till I have everything sorted. By everything I mean the hard practical stuff, think I’m leaving my funeral arrangements to someone else, not a hope😝, we’re having a party, playlists written.😉
I’ve had six tough, but wonderful years full of love and so much joy, so much more than many get, and who knows there may be years yet. For now my aim is to reach 50, optimistic, but hey. No matter how long I get it will never be enough, but like us all I have to take every day as it comes. I choose to be happy, enjoy and appreciate the good days, accept and bear the bad ones with the help of friends and family, and be grateful that although it took me a while I finally learned to love this crazy nutter and value her wonderful life.❤❤❤