Driving to Ballycotton I could feel the sadness surface as I felt your presence near. I hadn’t shed a tear yet, couldn’t accept it was true. Missed calls on Friday night from mutual friends had scared me sick though, thinking of you. Frantic hours later I finally heard the words,’ Not expected to survive the weekend’, what are they talking about? Strange heavy days feeling useless, in limbo, hoping till finally the incredulous words were out. Texts and messages that didn’t make any sense. As I approached Castlemartyr my stomach started to churn, the realisation of why I was here, not a summer gallivant to share with some old friends, but a devastating reality, your life’s end.
How could it be possible that you were really gone, early stage, curable, I would lose the battle and you would live on. As I sit here in the car park watching our grieving friends, it hits me like a hammer,this really is the end. I knew it came back, maybe more aggressive than mine, but I was nearly 5 years in, this was just the beginning for you, surely there was still so much time. Lots of treatment options, till they found something new, all that newly found inner strength you had gathered, you could do this, I could help you. I feel so robbed again, robbed of spending time, dealing with my own, thinking you were fine.
They said you suffered for 2 years, but that just wasn’t you. I know you would have pulled every drop of joy from your life like the grass soaks up the dew. You bounced into my hospital room with your gorgeous budding head, beaming with so much hope, I marvelled at you from my bed. We exchanged stories, horror and happy alike, I was so grateful to have pulled through. You were so happy it was almost over and you could get on with your life. With your wicked sense of humour, we shared a dark joke or two. Then you told me what the oncologist said and it made me worry still, that fear would remain and linger like a bitter little pill.
We shared some craic over the years girl, as perfectionist and pernickety as each other, a couple of short lived cross words too. You are never far from my thoughts, I just pray that you weren’t too scared, and had all the love you needed to see you through. Your boy is dancing round you now as I come to say goodbye, I’m howling like an idiot, you two together the source of so much joy. And there close by as always, is your one true love, partners in crime together, hand in glove. I never imagined it would end this way, I’m furious and heartbroken that you should go and die, if there is a god you are surely surrounded by puppies, hangin with Hendrix and Morrison,Cobain and Bowie ……….. a rock chic in the sky.❤❤❤